I was all set to blog about something else, and then this happened:
Recently I lost a friend. While it was nothing dramatic, it still hurts to lose someone you care about. Another friend really hurt my feelings and I was struggling with how to deal with that as well. Then a group of friends planned to meet for dinner (we haven’t all been together since Moses was floating down that river) and someone had to bail. Not to mention, the many thoughts/worries that plague a soon-to-be divorcee, the many thoughts/worries that plague a single mother whose children start school in a couple of weeks (which means school supplies and fees which means money), not to mention the thoughts/worries that plague a caffeine addicts, “Is there enough coffee to get me through the night/morning?”…..there was a lot going on in my head and in my heart. I was dog-sitting for a friend, so the kids and I decided to take her for a walk. We stopped and spokewith neighbors/school mates and made small talk. We dodged neighbors who were walking their dog, as our dog suffers severely from small dog syndrome and barks at other dogs like she is going to absolutely dominate them. She is not. It’s extremely humorous to watch! We ended up at a park, where she barked and growled at EVERYTHING, including the dead leaves on the ground (which added to my disappointments because there is, in fact, dead leaves on the ground!). The boys saw some friends and ended playing basketball. This, my dear friends, is when the straw broke that camel’s back.
My youngest stopped playing basketball and took a seat on the court. I called over, questioning was he ok. He looked at me. I know he heard me. Yet he did not respond. He was struggling to breathe. I jumped up and yelled his name again. “Where is your inhaler?” I asked, already knowing the answer: at home. I went into auto-pilot super mom mode and assessed that he was ok enough to walk. But he needed his inhaler and SOON! I gathered our things, the dog, the bike my youngest rode on, yelled “come on” to my oldest 5 million times, and we started on our way home, my phone in my hand, screen unlocked in case I needed to call 911. Every few minutes we stopped while he caught his breath, his face red, my heart beating, my oldest son’s mouth flapping a mile minute, the dog barking at everything…. Honey, my game face was on but I was on the verge of a meltdown. We made it home, he got a couple hits of his inhaler, the dog marked more of her territory then sampled what was in her dish, both boys settled into their Friday night routine….and I sat on the toilet lid and cried. Overwhelmed. May not seem like a lot in this post, but trust, it was enough for me. For a moment, I felt like my tears, hot and disappointed, made me a failure. You know that whole, “you can’t pray and worry, that makes you unholy”, mentality. But that’s not true.
Disappointments happen. And if you are in the middle of a divorce, headed towards divorce, just signed your divorce papers, then I don’t have to tell you about disappointment. Tears happen. Feelings of being overwhelmed will happen. Acknowledging this does not mean that you don’t trust God. And it doesn’t mean that you have let God down. It means that you are human. But please be aware, in every breakdown, there is some kind of reminder, sometimes subtle, that God is in control. While I sat and cried, a small quiet voice reminded me that “God’s got this. It’s going to be alright”. And then He said “Go write about it”. Breakdowns will happen. The important thing is not to stay there. There will always be a reminder, a boost that gets you through that moment. When it comes, take it, and move forward. Just like acknowledging feelings is human, acknowledging God’s prompting requires spiritual maturity. It’s would have been so much easier to slide off the toilet onto the bathroom in a fetal position and wail and moan. I thought about it. But I recognized what He was giving me, in that moment:
In other words, breakdown over, time to get to writing. Psalms 119:28 says “My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word”. When you are sad, weary, overwhelmed…allow His word to strengthen to you!
God Bless You Sis…